Dear Ashton,
Congrats on finishing the first 6 pages of “The Homeless Patient”! Since it’s so early in the process, I don’t have much in the way of criticism. But I’ll point out a few things that are really working well and a few places that were a little confusing to me.
I liked Cadence – she’s funny. I like all the details around working at a hospital. It all rang true to me. You do a lovely job of capturing the hospital through its aural quality – the sounds of the wheels on the gurney, etc. These kinds of details bring a lot of life to the piece.
I was confused on page one when Dawson surprises Cadence. There’s a typo there, and I’m not sure what he can still feel.
I think you need a new paragraph here. It represents a shift in what we’re looking at: The patient on the gurney reached to his face. “Hmmph. Shoulda gone to Vandy.” The white bandage on his hand reflected fluorescent light.
I was a bit confused by Dawson. From his voice, he sounded like an old man, but the details about his wife and not wanting to get pregnant indicate he’s young. So, maybe some details earlier on that help us see him/place his age.
POV: I thought it was 3rd limited to Cadence. But it does seem to be consistent in the section breaks. What do you gain by getting both perspectives in this story? What do you lose by shifting?
I had to read this line several times before I understood: Don’t strip too much; it’s a conflict of interest for the hospital.”
Overall, great start! I can’t wait to read more. Keep writing and get that rough draft kicked out.
Best,
Stacey